Process

It's hard to think about what non religious people think about death. Do they even consider about an afterlife or is it not a priproity? Oh that's right, where you're going to spend eternity isn't important...because what could be more important than this life? More important than politics and money, education and food? It's so far away...we don't have to worry about it now! We have to have the tiem of our lives! Party and drink! Smoke and drive! What could be better than this?

But the truth is there, hidden behind millions of masks that people put on everyday, every hour...the fear of not knowing. And the truth that there is something better than the crap that happens here.

Two people that I knew past away on late sunday and early monday morning. One of them I knew fairly well and the other I only knew who she was. One of them was a total surprise, and the other was a little surprise. One seemed to pass by me, getting me to feel sorry for the people close to her, and the other was real. But the thing that connected them both- was the spirit deep effect they had. The realization that my own grandparents aren't young anymore.

And just as things change, people grow older. They get sick, their heart fails, their lungs and internal organs malfunction and proves once again, no one is perfect. The 'envitable' happens and we die. And shouldn't the important question be, where did they go?

But death is so final. I think that's why people fear it. Life seems to go on forever and then there's death. BAM! You're cut off. No one has come back from the dead two years later and told us how wonderful or horrible it is. So really, it's fear of the unknown. What happens when you die?

And that's what scares me about my family who aren't christians...and so old...that they could go at any time...and I won't be with them...and that I don't COMPLETELY know what's gonna happen to them in hell.

Sad but true...very sad.

I hate that im so unsure of myself. I hate that when it comes to my faith, im as sturdy as a soggy piece of paper. Someone suggests something(that isn't even directed towards me)...like maybe im dead spiritually, and i automatically think I am. That i have such a poor spiritual life that its amazing im still even following God...or that I project the image of a follower of Christ.
I get sucked into all the Christian gimics of 'youre-not-good-enough-maybe-you-should-repent-and-reaccept-Christ' or dumb things like that.

HAVING LOW SELF ESTEEM SUCKS!

I feel so worn out...I want to cry but I can't. Everything has been streching me too far and too long...It'll be amazing if I actually post this...this is super truthful and it's scares me that people are actually going to read this...

(not the first) Question I would ask God when I got to Heaven:

Math- was it necessary?

Frustrating thing number one: My Pre-Calculus teacher told us that there will be a rare day when there's no homework.
Number two: I get twenty vocab words a week from my English teacher. And I'm supposed to memorize them by the end of the week.
VERY frustrating thing number three: I'm too dependent on people.

Why would that be frustrating you ask? Because unlike normal people, I seem to be a superhero when it comes to empathy...but dislexic when it comes to expressing my own feelings- and still I'm dependent on other people.
Still, it seems to be perfectly "normal" that I depend on people. It seems to be something that's common in our society. Girlfriends depending on Boyfriends and visa versa...wives depending on husbands and visa versa...pastors depending on churches and visa versa...It's all over! But what happened to being dependent on God?

That's my main problem. I knew I was depending on my friends and family and mentors for lots of things...but the painful realization that I hardly depended on God was like a getting hit with a two ton beam. It seems to me that the Holy spirit is doing the hitting...and I'm not really putting up much of a defense. Which in this case would be doing something about it.

So if it's so frustrating and if I know about it...why is it so hard to change?

I'd look you in the eyes when you talk to me;
I'd think about what you're saying rather than what I'm going to say next;
I'd hear your feelings as well as your words.

If I really cared...
I'd listen without defending;
I'd hear without deciding whether yo're right or wrong;
I'd ask you why, not just how and when and where.

If I really cared...
I'd allow you inside of me;
I'd tell you my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my hurts;
I'd tell you where I've blown it and when I've made it.

If I really cared...
I'd laugh with you but not at you;
I'd talk with you and not to you;
And I'd know when it's time to do neither.

If I really cared...
I wouldn't climb over your walls;
I'd hang around until you let me in the gate.
I wouldn't unlock your secrets;
I'd wait until you handed me the key.

If I really cared...
I'd love you anyhow;
But I'd ask for the best that you can give
And gently draw it from you.

If I really cared...
I'd put my scripts away,
And leave my solutions at home.
The performances would end.
We'd be ourselves.

So orginally- i was going to write my frustration and anger out onto this post...but now that I think about it, I don't think i will.

Homosexuality isn't really something that's brought up a lot...Anywhere I am. The school probably isn't allowed to bring up because of the controversy...And we have a straight and gay alliance club. At home it really isn't a topic that I would choose to get into because my mom is a Christian and a republican while my dad is a non Christian and a democrat. Bringing up things that could cause a fight are usually frowned upon in my house. And Church... Well I've only heard James talk about it on Wednesday night. All in all, I mostly hear things about homosexuals/homosexuality in what my friends say.

In most places it's a difficult thing to talk about...But should it be? Our country is torn between allowing these people to get married or not. But our country is supposedly founded on the bible, correct? So shouldn't the government be GOVERNED by the bible and it's teachings? I know that's not how it goes, considering the democrats will except gay couples and republicans don't. The funny thing is, the dictionary has somewhat changed it's terms... In the one I have that was made in 1975 by Random House, it's called, "the legal or religious ceremony that formalizes the decision of a man and woman to live as husband and wife." At dictionary.com it's called, "The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife." OR "A union between two persons having the customary but usually not the legal force of marriage: a same-sex marriage." Unbelievable. Nothing in my dictionary even mentions same-sex marriage! Granted, it was twenty-nine years ago, but this is recent, and they've already changed the dictionary.

My view, plain and simple: it shouldn't be made legal.

Why? Maybe it's the Christian in me, or maybe it's the sickening feeling I have. But I think that a marriage between a man and a man or a woman and a woman is WRONG. "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman. That is detestable." (Leviticus 18:22) The obvious, God made marriage to be between a man and a woman. In the garden of Eden God made man, but saw him incomplete! So he made woman out of man!(Gen. 2:21-24) If God wanted man to be with man...Then he would've made two men...And women probably never would've been created...But then there would also be no population.

A man cannot be complete without a woman. Just as Adam was not complete without Eve. Maybe the thought with Gay marriage is, as long as you have love, then that makes you complete. But that is simply wrong. "But since there is so much immorality, each man should has his own wife and each woman should have her own husband"(1 Corinthians 7:2)

There's many accounts in the bible that support my view and none that don't support it. Gay marriage is wrong and shouldn't be made legal for another reason...Ten years ago, this wouldn't have ever been thought of, and if someone was thought to be gay, they were looked down upon...And gay marriage was never an option. But with our decaying society, I don't think this would be a step in the right direction. If gay marriage is allowed, what's next? It's legal to kill someone as long as you have a good reason? It's legal to have sex with animals anywhere you please? You may turn up your nose, but EVERYONE used to turn up their nose to same-sex marriage. So what's next after this?

Let's hope nothing is next.

I agree with Lacy on the whole blog thing. Except I don't go back and re write or change things...most of the time. I hate telling people how I feel and why I feel that way. But on paper (or in this case, the internet) I can express myself so much better. But I don't want to write out my feelings for everyone to see...

It's so complicated. Maybe I should stick with the simple stuff.